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WOW long time no post

Well I just realized that I haven't posted anything in years. So much has happened since i last logged in. I have gotten married and had a child who is almost 2 years old. I have seen and experienced so much since  i was last posting. I have learned so much about life and  love and the true meaning of family. I have met some amazing people and i have lost some people who i thought were friends that turned out to be shitty people. I have come to the realization that if people want you for your money or what you can do for them then they are not your friends in the first place. I have come across people that i would have done anything for and got fucked over by them. Recently i met a woman who in a very short time has taught me a lot about life, She is 30 years old and is in the advanced stages of MS. She has 4 children. She is such an inspiration. When I didnt have any food she went out of her way and bought my son food.  She has taught me that now matter how hard life can be that we have to be there for one another. It has been a long time since i have met someone who has made me want to be  a better person. She is such an amazing mother and she goes out of her way to better her self. She busts her ass at work and school and is a great mom and wife and she still has time to be there for a poor shmuck like me. It is amazing that there are still good people out there. I have removed a lot of people from my life and i have kept only the few people that i hold dear. You know who you are. Thank you all for everything.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009 

Current mood:  creative
Category: Writing and Poetry
As I walk closer and closer to my destination, I see a small wisp of smoke in the horizon. I am on the way to a villiage on a mission to protect given to me by the king. I hear it is a pretty little villiage full of hope. Villagers with thier fruit and bread stands and the iron smith forging weapons and armor. I cant wait to hear the clank of his hammer on the anvil. Its been too long since i have been home. maybe this place will be somewhat like it. I am on my way because there are tales of maurauders in the area giving the towns people trouble and making threats of violence. I must protect this little place for all the good it creates. I am here to search out the mauraders and eliminate threat to the town and keep the peace. I get closer.  The sun will be setting in a few hours and i still have a way to go. I set up camp for the nght. My sword at my side and a small fire to keep me warm. it tends to get cold in these parts. i doze off thinking of the loved ones a left behind.
A restless sleep. tossing and turning   visions come to me i can hear screams in the distance. the clanking of swords and the cries of children. I awake shaken and torn for it seemed too real to be just a dream. i get a feeling of dread that i just cant shake. I pack my few belongings and head back onto the path to the villiage. the sun is rising in the east. i move on.
The wisp of smoke is getting bigger and from this hill i can see the villiage way off in the distance. something is wrong. i feel it in my gut. damn am i too late? I pick up my pace and i should be there in no more than 2 hours. I walk and walk faster and faster. and the closer i get i can start to smell the smoke. the smell of burning huts and fruit and the smell of seared animal flesh. it is a pungent smell, abrassive. I arive to a horror than no man or moman should ever see. Burnt bodies children bruised , battered, bleeding and crying. The vendors huts are turned into a pile of rubbish.  there are fires still burning all over the villiage. horses slain, chickens decapitated. men murdered and the women mangled, surely they were raped first before they were killed. that would explain the rips and tares in thier dresses.  bodies everywhere and the sickening smell of burnt human flech attachs my sences and turns my stomach, for i look over and see a childs body still smoking from the flames inflicted. he heart breaks. but i must go on  and find survivors and find out who did this so i can hunt them and bring justice to this small town. These poor people. the houses are trashed inside,  raided. the blacksmith's shop torn down to the ground and in flames pieces of metal and tools everywhere, that is what wasnt stolen.  there is food all over the ground rotten and smashed. i keep walking trying to find someone, anyone who is still alive. who is going to watch over these poor terrified children? and why had i been sent alone to this place. The king says im his best worrior, but i am just me.  I hear a womans whimper comming from one of the home huts and i follow the sound. it is a middle aged woman with red hair and green eyes. she looks as tho she weould be beautiful in one of the queens gowns. she is bleeding from a wound on her side. a white hankerchif stained in blood pressed tightly against the wound. it slowed down the bleeding but she surely wont make it. she is almost gone now. her dress is chared and filled with soot and there are bruises and smudge on her face. poor woman how can anyone do this to someone so lovely. take her life and her posessions and everything she loved. family and friends. it is inhuman to say the least. i  gently lift her hean and shoulders and get my water pouch and give her a drink. she coughs then takes a little more water. I ask her what happened. her story is this...
" they came in on horseback, four of them.all dressed in black, faces wrapped in black cloth. hootin and hollering with torches in hand. they were grabbing the women and trying to make advances toward them. the women tried to pull away but it was futile. the men protested and they were slain by the evil mens swords. we do not know who they are but have heard stories from other villiages that they are the bringers of demise. pain and suffering.They burned out city and killed almost everyone. it is fitting to call them this. villiage is destroyed!"
She winces and tears roll down her face. I ask her if there are anymore adult survivors and she shakes her head. she says they rode west. that is where i must go. I must hunt these men on horseback. I will find them. the woman cries out in pain. i take my sniffer of scotch and give her a nip to ease her pain before she dies. she takes a sip and screams and i see her eyes glaze over as i am the last person she sees as she dies in my arms. Poor kind woman reat in peace. may the river man take you to valhalla. i set a coin in each eye and lay the woman back down on the blood soaked floor.
what do i do next. where will the children go? who will take care of them? i do not know. i go outside of her hut and i try to get the children together. Very hard to do when they dont know if you are going to do the same thing as the other men did. i finially get them together. My gods there are only a handfull of them. this is who is to start the rebuild. maybe another villiage will take these poor sould in. soot on thier faces mud covered feet torn and dirty clothing the tears cut thru the ash on thier faces and these eyes stare up at me hopeless and terrified. there is one girl that is the oldest at around 13. she tells me of her older sister being run thru by the tallest man with the scar on his eye. i take this information to note. I put her in charge of hiding everyone until i return with help. there is still some food that they can live on and the water well has not been contaminated. there is still some shelter to hide in. while i go on the hunt. they hide and i leave.
I take the less sickly of the last two living horses and i head west to look for these human demons. harbengers of death. i ride as fast as i can until night fall. i see a faint red glow of a camp fire. i move in slowly and cautiously trying to scout the area. i get off of my horse and lye down on the hill top on my belly and scoot as close as i can, straining to hear what these men are saying.
laughter " they didnt even know what hit them" more laughter ffrom the men. " ohhh please dont hurt me!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Little wench!" yes indeed these were the men. I see a few horses tied to the tree there are 7 total and 4 men. the missing horses. i hear the clanking of metal mugs as they get more and more drunk. I have to bide my time now and wait unseen. wait for them to fall into thier stuper and then i will attack. I check my boot for my dagger. ahh there you are old faithful. i do not fight with a shield just a dagger in my left hand and my sword in my right.  dont fail me now my sharp friends.
      The moon raises high in the sky and the last of the four finially falls aseep. i creep in slowly trying to avoid twigs that will crackle and wake these villians. I get right up next to the first one and cover his mouth with my hand to muffle his moan as i take my dagger and slice him ear to ear. Ahh the smell of the metallic blood. i sit still making sure he did not awake the others. one man rolls over but that is all. good who will die next. i go to the man on the right of the fire. i creep up and smother him in his sleep. this is a fiesty one even intoxicated. he fights back and then his body just gives up.Twitches. damn! one of the other men stirrs and grumbles something under his breath about a wench and ale. i wait hidden by the dead mans body. i wait the grumbling stops and the snoring begins again. who is next? ahhhh yes you. the fat man in black. i wonder which one of these bastards started this little clan of fools. I walk slowly to him and grab his head with both hands and with a sharp fast jerk, I snap his neck.  ahhh only one left. i stand there and draw my sword. i stand next to the fire just looking at this man who has destroyed so many lives. so many children. he doesnt care about anything. yes he will get the most paunful death. i want him to feel it for my beautiful red haired girl in the villiage. for the children mother and fatherless and tortured. he is laying on his back. I take my sworn and walk over to him. I put one leg on either side of the man and point the tip of my sword straight down. i kick him a bit so he will wake up and see who is doing this to him.
" What the..." my sword plunges into his stomach and he yells! a streem of blood sprays out of him. Die beast! i twist the sword in him. he is still alive and feels every inch that i turn and cries out. I twist again, and again. I take the point of the sword and aim it up into his body and a quick shove his heart is pierced. i look at his face. he is the one with the scar on his eye. I smile. justice is served.
 I pull my sword out of him and wipe it off and re sheath it. I look down at my dress and grimace, and look in the reflection of my dagger. My hair unruly in the wind but glowing in the fire. My eyes burn green like that womans. i smile.
i go back to the villiage the next day with the 7 horses and the gold from the men i have slain along with thier weapons. I put the horses in what is left of the stable.I  call to the children. The oldest girl comes out and see's it is me. she runs over and leaps into my arms crying. "is it over? did you find them?" i hold her. tears on my cheek from her face pressed against mine. its ok. " Yes i found them and they will never harm you again!" i tell her.
i gather some food and make a meal since it is getting late. we will ride out and back to the castle tomorrow. get an early start. The children sleep. soundly as tho they felt protected. I watch them. I wanted children but i found out that i was baren. i could not carry. So i trained under the kings guards and became his mercenary woman worrior.  a natural born killer. deadly and efficiant. i catch a few winks of my own.
the sun rises and i feed and water the horses and gather food for the children and myself.  we pack a few belongings that we can rummage from the chaos. the young ones are ready. they mount the horses and we ride out. the oldest stops at the outside edge of the villiage and looks back. a single tear falls from her eye down her cheek she joins us again. we ride. the sun is setting we make camp for the night. we arent far from the castle now but the horses need a break. we eat fruit and bread. and sit around the small fire. they all fall asleep. I will sleep when we get there. I listen to the animals of the night going about thier buisness. hours pass and the sun is comming up. i smile. i wake up our party and we ride again.  I see the castle in the distance when i hear it. a wizzing nest to my ear. i duck. hot lightning force pain shoots thru my body as an arrow pierces my leather clincher. i scream "RIDE!!!!" but it is too late. arrows from everywhere hitting my poor little boys and girls. they fall from the horses. the oldest crawls to me and takes my hand and says "thank you".  I hold on to her hand tight as another arrow pierces into me. i can taste blood and bile. everything is starting to fade and the girl smiles at me and her eyes close. i look to the trees and i see more men in black laughing. everything goes black and im gone.
the moral of this story is that no matter how strong you are and how hard you fight to help people, there is always some dark forced person who will be out to get you and take what you love the most. your life. they will not hesitate to stab you in the back if given the chance. trust very few, keep your guard up at all times. or this could happen to you.  but remember love is a beautiful thing. the woman in the story loved the children tho she didnt know them.  love everyone   trust few and fight as hard as you can to do the right thing.
the end.

WTF WTF WTF!!!!! OMG so the time is about up on one roommate yeah the one with out the job. he has been here 5 weeks and he kinda got a job today   that is if he can pass a background and piss test. i want my fucking den back. i want my kitchen clean i want to watch tv in my living room with out getting disturbed. but my lovly bf says if we kick him out then the other roommate goes with him. yeah you know the one who pays 100$ a wee + gas money. he buys his own food and cigs and cleans up after himself. WTF. its not fair. one is doing what he is suppoise to be and the other one isnt. aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrh    what do i do? do i kick out both to get my home back or do i suck it up and deal with it?

ignorant fucktards!!!!


White trash biggot pieces of fucking shit!!!! Im so god damned tired of cross burning bullshit!! my cousins are black  but who cares. the fucking bleed red!!! i man having thier children saying that he needs to be assasinated youve gotta be fucking kidding me!!! fucking nausiating and it makes me ashamed to be white.

obsession the new Meh

I think im obsessed with sex, porn and did i mention sex
yeah that sounds lik,e a good thing but it really isnt   it is drama and sad and fighting over something so fucking stupid. I mean I have a great man and i do get laid but i start fights because i want it everyday. what is wrong with me. I mean i almost broke up with him because he wouldnt go for round 2. gezus wtf. given i was not in my right mind. but still. we fight over stupid shit and i start it 90% of the time. anyhoo im a fucking nympho and i need to chill out.


Meh, that is my word of the day. with mooching dogs barking up the wrong tree and ignorant fools acting like fuckiing retards my out look is Meh. Definition of Meh... Bored, dont care, fuck off, im soo not listening, who cares, just leave me alone, bored, blah.    the defination changes daily too so if i say meh to you it dont nessissarily mean this definition. UG im just tired <--- understatement. Mike is taking me out tonight. dont know where we are going yet   it is kind of a spur of the moment thing.  Homework is boring me and falls under the Meh rule of the night. I am glad we are getting out of the house. we need to get away from the roomies. ding the taxi light is fucking OFF for the weekend. i dont care if god comes out of the sky and says they need a ride NOPE. and NO YOU CANT HAVE ANOTHER CIGARETTE!!! GET A JOB!! MEH!!!

oh that was my daily rant. im gonna get ready ro spend time with my love and have a good time.


well a lot has gone on this year. a lot to think about. i have lost several friends to death and several to drama aswell. But i have gainedsome wonderful friends and been re-united with a few also. I miss all of the friends that i lost no matter how i lost them. they were all dear to me. I went to my ex bf's grave yesterday and had lunch with his parents. It was hard. they were family to me for 2 years. I miss going to thier house for the holidays and going out to dinner with them and just being with my love of that time. then beingf at the cemetary with them touhing a cold marble slab that covers the box that his ashes are in. I felt lost at first  then alone then numb. we cried a lot and huged a lot and exchanged stories. then we parted ways. I laid a single red rose on the ground in front of his grave. i kissed the stone with his name on it and i walked away with tears in my eyes. i silently cried all the way home. then i barely spoke for the rest of the day. I was inlove with him. I still love him, but i have moved on. that doesnt mean that im not going to respect him and miss him and visit his grave now and then. He was my best friend. and he is gone. along with a part of me.

michael and I are good for the most part. he wants to get joined bank accounts. im very weary about this especially since he wants me to close mine. that little bank cct is independance to me it is my freedom. i know it sounds silly but i have been dependant on a lot of people in the past and i partially am of him aswell, but i have a few things that are mine. my cat, my bank acct and my schooling. these are my little freedoms.  have busted my ass for he last year to change my life and become a better person. some people have a problem with how i am or the decisions that i have made. but it is who i am. I have made a lot of mistakes in my like and i cant do  a do over. it dont work like that.  there are several things that i regret but those things made me who i am now.

school is kicking my ass   that and taxing around my roommates. it drives me nuts. i want to help them but i feel like i am being pulled in all directions. im running my self ragged. The Extreams came over tonight and i was about to fall asleep talking to them. I feel bad. bt you see if i tellmy roommates no i wont drive them around then  feel like i am an insensitive cunt. if i do drive them around i feel exhausted and i have no time to do anything for me, like Homework! the last 4 papers ive written were done 3 days before they were due and 2 of them the night before. i cant keep this shit up. but there is the cunundrium if i do im exhausted if i dont im a bad person. Mike says that they are grown men and i dont have to do anything i dont want. ug its hard to say no to someone who is tryoing to get a job and has no transportation, other than me and my car. what to do what to do. I cant wait til this semester is over so i can rest

no rest for the wicked.

Happy Birthday

I wanted to wish you a happy  birthday

Happy Birthday

Hi sweetheart. i wanted to wish you a happy birthday ( i know it is a few days off but still and i cant wait to see you guys tomorrow. Hugs and kisses

yup im here

ok im on live journal now. i dont know how much ill post but here i am.